Monday, November 24, 2008

Climbing a hill wearing roller skates

Over the last two weeks or so, I am completely overwhelmed by the responsibilities of this job. I seem to fight a battle all day long every day, and at the end of the day it feels as though I have made no progress whatsoever. I sometimes have a recurring nightmare that is similar to this daily routine. In my nightmare, I am always supposed to be getting ready to go somewhere, but no matter how hard I try, I can never get ready and hours go by and I am still in the house packing things and remembering last-minute things. I always wake up stressed out, but now it seems like that's my real life. How can a person feel like they are doing a good job when there is no visible progress to be seen? I guess it's not always about feeling like you're doing a good job. I guess it's about doing your best, even if it feels like you're failing. That has never been my forte.

The other thing that is on my mind today is money. I hate the feeling of always wishing I had more money. Isn't it greedy to wish to win the lottery, or to believe that more money would mean less problems? The thing that drives me crazy is that money complicates everything. I don't want to be dependent on money for my happiness or my security, and I know that it is naive to believe that being rich would be truly fulfilling, but even still, there is no denying that lack of money can certainly add stress to a person's life. Don't get me wrong - I am not destitute. I am not poor by any stretch of the imagination, but I am finding myself in a position where I need to make some difficult decisions and finances are playing a significant role. I have been planning on taking an extended leave from work in order to be home with my kids while they are young. The problem is, it's a catch 22 situation. There are certain expenses we have directly related to the kids, which could be taken care of if I returned to work. But if I return to work, then I only see them for two hours per day. It feels like I am being forced to choose between my kids and money, and I can't make that choice. So, I am brainstorming for ways to make money at home. I toyed with the idea of selling Mary Kay, but I'm not sure I'm cut out for that, as I rarely even wear make-up. I can't sell anything cooking-related, because if I did a party, I would probably burn the food and then not sell anything. Haha. So, I will continue to brain-storm and hope that I can come up with a way to relieve some of the financial pressure without having to ditch my boys in the process.

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