Tuesday, January 20, 2009

What's so desperate?

My Mom was a nurse before she had my older sister, and then she became a "housewife". I always knew her that way, and I liked it that way too. I always said that if I had kids I would be a stay-at-home mom too. In my earlier years, I think that deep down I couldn't wait for the day that I would get married and then I could stay home too. I have always been a timid person...okay, a chicken. My friends would laugh at that description of myself, because I do not come across as shy or timid, but all of my life I have been scared of everything! I used to lie awake at night dreading different situations at school, and I was always terrified of getting a job, starting new schools, even getting my driver's license, which I did not get until a week before my 18th birthday. So, I always thought of the housewife life as ideal because in it there was nothing to fear and therefore it had to be easy.

There is an element of truth to that, for me, in that I am not encountering situations here that scare me or make me really nervous, whereas at work I came across stuff like that on a regular basis. I have a lot of work to do here, and the housework part does not bother me, though I can never seem to keep up with it all. The child-rearing part is daunting, and the hours are long, but that is not the part that is the hardest for me. In all the years I watched my own mother do what she did (and she did it well) it never occurred to me that the housewife is always the one left behind. This is what I am finding difficult these days. I feel like in the morning I am ferried to some tiny island and I then spend the rest of my day awaiting rescue, never knowing how long it will take. I love being at home, but I don't like the feeling of being trapped. There is a certain panic that comes over me whenever I know that Mike is going to be late coming home. Tonight will be one of those nights. My mornings never bother me, but mealtimes stress me out due to my lack of skill and imagination in the kitchen. Likewise, I do not enjoy my afternoons because most days I spend those fighting Cody to get him to stay in his room. Today I would love to have a sleep myself, as I am sick, but I can't because Cody is awake and he cannot be left unattended unless he is asleep. So, I sit here on my island watching the time pass by and ask myself a hundred times a day, "What is wrong with me?" when I look around at my messy house but desire only to sleep.

These are my thoughts today.

1 comment:

Beautifull Crustation said...

You put it so perfeclty, calling this life an island. I too love it, I too, often feel left behind. Thank you for sharing. you have given me a picture of all the houswives, all in one ocean, all on their own little islands.