Tuesday, April 14, 2009

A Jonah Day

Well, my day did not improve from start to finish, and I feel like I have been run over by a truck now. I feel like the worst mother in the world today. All three of us had major emotional breakdowns today, but they were all my fault. Poor Cody was bawling because I couldn't stop crying. He said, "I don't want you to cry anymore." That only made it harder for me to get myself under control. Then Jamie had the most massive meltdown at the supper table. He was upset about something, and would not eat properly again. (When I say properly, I just mean eat. He was just picking at his food and would not eat it.) So I had taken it away at one point, and then I gave it back to him because I figured out that he was mad at me because I wouldn't give him my fork. I gave him his food and I went to get him a spoon and he gave me a dirty look and hurled his whole plate of food onto the floor with a wail. I was so mad I took the tray off, unstrapped him and carried him straight to his room, after shouting, "Jamie! NO!" I put him in his crib and I left him there to cool down, but he just bawled and bawled and bawled until he was taking shaky breaths between wails. I started to feel awfully mean. I thought he would stop crying, but he did not. I was making cookies with Cody by this time to make up for the fact that we did not go to Brandon today, as promised. I went to Jamie's room and picked him up and held him, as tears continued to drip off his face amid his ragged breathing, and I brought him back out. Unfortunately, every time I put him down, he started bawling again. This set me off again because I felt so sad for him, and because I knew it was my fault that he was so sad. I was a mess all evening. We made some good cookies, but that was the only highlight of the day. I actually had to resort to putting on the baby channel on the satellite and putting Jamie in Cody's plush chair with two stuffed animals. He finally stopped crying and reclined and watched the show, still with large tears resting on his cheeks. Eventually he joined us making cookies, and then was happy as long as he had dough to munch on.

It amazes me how I continue to make the same mistakes over and over again. My poor kids. How are we going to survive the rest of this week? I wonder if it would be better for me to just stay home for the rest of the week and not see anybody at all. My house looks like someone bulldozed the toys and the dishes, and some of the furniture into a big pile and then dumped food crumbs on it for good measure. I did manage to do a bunch of dishes before sitting down after the boys went to bed, but the rest will remain as is.

They boys went to bed well, but the rest of the day was a disaster in my view. In fact, I don't even want to talk about the rest of the day. It pretty much sucked, though I did get some more homework done. It is due tomorrow, so I will probably go and finish it off now. I will sign off. Goodnight.

Oh, P.S., that same telemarketing place called AGAIN tonight, and I just about bit her head off. I asked who was calling and she told me. I then said, "Your people have called here three times in the last 24 hours and I have told you every time, he is AWAY!" The poor woman apologized profusely and promised to make a note of it. I'm sure they will call again tomorrow.

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