Saturday, April 18, 2009

Reaching My Limits Here...

This has not been the best day so far. Cody was crying before I even got out of bed, and then when I finally sent him to use the bathroom I heard him shout out, "Mom! I need you! I peed all over the floor!" He was not really exaggerating either, and I was not impressed, as it was definitely his fault. He is trained and knows how to do it properly. Then he tossed his pants towards me to put them back on, and they landed in the pee. Great. So I tossed them into the dirty laundry pile and got him dressed and sent him on his way. When I went out to the kitchen, I found my canister of coconut sitting on the counter, lid off, almost completely empty. There was A LOT of coconut in there before. There was coconut all over the floor, but not nearly enough to compensate for what was missing, so I am guessing that Cody and Radar probably shared in the treat. I yelled at him, holding the canister up, and then set it down forcefully on the counter. Well, I missed, and it went flying, and the remains of the coconut fell in a big pile on the floor and all over my new stove top. Then Cody started wailing, and I started crying out of frustration. He knew better, seeing yesterday morning he got in trouble when I caught him sitting on the couch with the chocolate chip canister open and in front of him, and his hand inside, helping himself to a morning snack. Does anybody sell steel safe doors that I could install on my pantry?? Seriously?? I am getting desperate here.

One of my cats was wandering the house, howling, and I was concerned that she needed to use the litter but wanted to use something else. (Why else would she just be howling like that?) So, I decided the best thing to do would be to toss her outside. My cats are not outside cats. One of them (this one) loves going outside, but ever since we got Radar (three years ago, almost) she is too scared because he chases her. So, neither of them ever go out. Well, I was not about to take a chance because I had the distinct feeling that she was looking for trouble, so I grabbed her and carried her to the door. She panicked, of course, and dug her claw deep into my arm and gave me a nice cut, about an inch long, that bled onto my shirt and puffed up and turned slightly purple. I was not happy, but I threw her out anyway. She is still out there.

I made breakfast for my boys and got them eating, and while I was doing that I saw something on my shirt. I thought it was chocolate, so I brushed it off. It did not come off, but it did smear on my shirt, right on my belly. I thought nothing of it and continued making food, and eating my own toast. It wasn't until later that I became suspicious of the brown substance on my shirt and gave it the sniff test. It was not chocolate. It was most certainly poop. Where it came from, I cannot be sure, but I am fairly certain that the culprit was Tabu. (The cat.) I was furious, and went and changed my shirt and washed my hands twice, thoroughly.

When I came out to the living room, Jamie was sitting on the lazy boy with a container of applesauce, which was on his hands, face and of course, all over the lazy boy. Okay, not all over, but a couple of good wet puddles of it. Then I was ticked at him. I took that away and washed him up, AGAIN, and continued on with what I was doing. Later he came in my room with ANOTHER applesauce container. These are Cody's almost empty ones, but they have enough left in them to make a lovely mess all over the place. Then Cody shouted something about medicine, and I went back to the living room to find him hiding behind the lazy boy and I saw some infant tylenol sitting on the piano bench, and a big puddle of medicine beside it. I was so royally ticked off by this point.

I can't say how many times today I have burst into tears. It just seems like all these little things keep happening and building up and I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I am supposed to be going to a house-warming party this afternoon, but I don't even know whether I will survive long enough to make it there. I am so past the point of being able to handle all of this. My house is still a disaster, despite valiant efforts to get it cleaned up. (I really wanted Mike to come home to a clean house. It doesn't have to look perfect, but I would like it to be decent, or even better than decent.)

It is abundantly clear that I am not good at being a single parent, and that makes me terribly afraid that something will happen to Mike and I will end up permanently like this. My kids wouldn't stand a chance. How would we survive? I hope and pray that we will never have to face that situation. I am amazed by single parents who not only survive, but do a great job with their kids. I think of my co-worker, Wendy, who definitely falls into that category. (Her boys are all grown up now, and she obviously did a great job with them.)

Anyway, Jamie is now awake, which means that I have to face the music and feed him. Meals are the worst because they always involve the throwing of food, and me getting yelled at when I can't get it right. How am I supposed to know what someone wants when they don't talk? I look like crap, so if I go to this party it will be embarrassing, but what can I do? There is no time to shower...especially seeing I cannot leave my kids unsupervised for 10 minutes without someone either getting hurt or getting into something that is forbidden. I guess I better go get Jamie, and I should really let my poor cat back in the house, as she is likely still cowering in fear on the front deck, even though she has already been out there for more than three hours. Here's hoping I survive the day. If I do, I will probably be back to do another entry, some day. Bye for now.


Genevieve said...

Well, Cat, my heart goes out to you in your frustration. I was an incredibly lonely mom of young children. I live in Canada. I lived in Calgary when the kids were small. There are several community centres there where you can take your children on a completely drop-in basis, and do things with other moms who have caved in to desperation and paid the fee for spending the day there. Now I don't know what there might be where you live. I don't even know where you do live. But here is how the Leisure Center worked. You paid a fee to go in, and there were different kinds of recreation. There was a multi-purpose room. Maybe you happened to show up on potter day. So, then you would do pottery. Maybe you showed up on painting day. So, then you would do painting. MOSTLY, you would be out of the house and not alone. I found that ANYTHING out of the house and not alone was a good thing. I would go to the zoo and hang out in the coffee shop housed in the butterfly and bird room. The kids could race around screaming; it was a safe place and no one cared if they yelled. There were indoor playgrounds in all kinds of places where I didn't expect them. Listen, I would go to darn McDonald's every day, hang out pretending to drink coffee while I read, and letting the kids play on the slides. Eventually I met other moms doing the same things and formed some friendships.
It is HARD. You have to WORK at it. I was not very successful. I resisted structure, I was poor at routine, I made my kids nervous with all my anxiety over being too much alone. See if you can force yourself out of the house to a place with "human contact" noise at a certain time every single day, and be sure to do the afternoon walk at the same time every single day. Everything will be better. The kids will relax into the routine, and so will you.

CAT said...

Thanks for your comments, Genevieve. I think you are right, and sometimes the best thing we can do is force ourselves out of our comfort zones and get out of the house. That has never been my strong point anyway, but I am getting better. Not sure how I'll be once this third baby comes though! I live in Manitoba, and I am near Brandon, which is a small city. Nothing really major close by me, but I do have some in-laws that are nearby, so that helps. Fortunately, now that the weather is improving, I can get them outside, or at least my 3 year old can go out while the other one naps, and that makes a huge difference! We do have one really neat play place in Brandon that is quite cheap. I have always wanted to take my kids there to try it out but I have not done it yet. Maybe soon we will make a go of it!