Friday, July 31, 2009

It's 2 a.m.

I'm up feeding Micah. It hurts unbearably, and I have had only an hour of sleep so far tonight. These are the difficult times. As I knew I would, I often reflect on how much easier it was in my final days of pregnancy than it is now. And then I look at this tiny baby and cringe at the thought of something that big being inside of me again. I am also glad to be able to hold him in my arms finally, but I still expect to feel a baby kicking inside me every time I lay down. I cry a lot. I know it is my hormones, but it still feels so sad. I wish my Mom were here, but I don't know whether to ask her to come or not because she is going to come and stay with me once Mike goes back to work and I'm really needing help. I don't want her to feel like she has to come twice, but I get sad every time I think of her missing the newborn stage.

I went for a tiny walk this evening. I carried Micah to the end of the driveway and back. After that I had to sit down. My back and legs are very sore, and feel quite weak. I wonder whether I will ever be able to work out again, and whether I will ever get back in shape again. I would love to feel strong. I would love to feel normal. There is a new normal, and right now it is too foreign to feel like it is as it should be.I hope he finishes eating soon. It hurts with every swallow he takes. That's all for now, I guess. This is life with a newborn. I'm left contemplating why God didn't make it so that the hormones in the first week after birth caused a major high rather than the blues. Maybe too many people would get pregnant right away if they were too happy. Anyway, hoping to sleep again soon...longer than one hour stretches tonight, I hope. Goodnight.

5:58 a.m. I am feeding Micah again. I didn't get him settled last time until about 3:30. He woke up this time at about 5:25, so I guess so far tonight I have had about 3 hours of sleep. Sadly, Cody will probably be up before I am asleep again. A disturbing thought to be sure. It is already getting quite light outside. Micah is tired. I hope he'll settle right away after this. The real trick with him is figuring out when he is done. I don't want to be anybody's soother...especially when it hurts so bad I could be nursing a piranha. Well, I've stopped him. Here's attempt number three at sleep. Hope this one is the best yet.

1 comment:

Drahdrah said...

I think what you are feeling is very normal, and will improve as the days pass, and you get a bit more sleep. You will be strong again, and you will get back into shape. I felt the same way when my daughter was born last year. I found every physical action difficult, even carrying her. I wondered how other women carried their babies around all day long, when I could barely lift her in and out of her crib without my back hurting. Now she's a year old, and over 20 pounds, and it's easier because I am much stronger. Hang in there and don't be scared to ask for help. Maybe your mom would love to be there right now. You never know.