Saturday, July 4, 2009

Not Good.

I've been alone with the boys this morning for a grand total of one hour and already I am losing it. How am I supposed to survive this entire weekend with no help? Mike is at this work bee, and my stomach is sick. Cody is in the worst mood and disobeying everything I say. Jamie is climbing on everything in sight, and I have to chase him constantly. I was going to take the boys to the farm to play with their cousins later, but now I don't think I will. That's it. I'm done. This is not working for me. I just cannot do this anymore. Why do I have to do this alone when Mike is on holidays? It will be a miracle if my boys and I all survive this weekend. I don't even want to talk to Cody anymore. I have had enough. Now I want to go into labour and have this baby just so I can get the heck out of this place. I feel completely and utterly alone. Cody just left the house in nothing but his underwear. No shoes, no socks, no other clothing of any kind. I have an offer to drop him off at the farm and leave him there for a while, but I wonder how I can justify rewarding him when all he has done all day is be nasty and gross, to me and to Jamie. I told him I would not take him to the farm unless he adjusted his attitude. Well, if he has made any adjustments he has simply gone from bad to worse. It's one of those days where I am so angry that I have the urge to just go outside and scream the most blood-curdling scream you have ever heard. Yes, I would like that very much. The only thing that stops me is that I don't want to traumatize my boys. We don't really have any neighbors, so it would be okay to do in that sense. I also feel sorry for this baby. He or she will probably not recognize my voice unless I am yelling.

Oh, and this baby is not coming today either. I'm glad though. He or she already has two cousins born on July 4th, so I was hoping to skip this day. I think once this weekend is over I should pack a bag and leave by myself. Then Mike can be here with the boys and when I'm ready to have the baby I'll just call. That way there is no chance that I'm going to be ditched again. I feel like I'm going to have some kind of massive breakdown or something.

Sorry this is so negative. I'm just sitting here crying and I had to vent it out. I guess I'll quit now and hope that things get better and not worse before the day is over.

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