Friday, August 21, 2009

Raw emotions, anyone?

When people say that they laughed til they cried, it brings to mind an image of laughing out loud, possibly doubled over, red in the face, and a few tears streaming down their cheeks. For me, it is much more than that. Anyone who knows me really well will sincerely utter the word "Uh oh..." when they hear that I laughed til I cried. To me, a tear or two on the face does not necessarily constitute crying. Sure, there are happy tears. The expression should be, "I laughed until happy tears came out of my eyes". Okay, so it's not as catchy. The thing is, I laughed til I cried today. Well, almost. I told Mike I had a brilliant idea. I wanted to take a bunch of our old XBox games to EB Games and trade them in for credit, which I wanted to use to purchase the new Wii game, Wii Sports Resort. I have been really wanting this game since the last few days of my pregnancy. In fact, when I could not get it then, I cried.

So, when I mentioned this brilliant idea this afternoon, Mike immediately broke into a grin. Okay, so Mike is always grinning. But this one was so big and so immediate that I knew instantly that he had already purchased the game for me, either for my birthday or for our anniversary, which fall on the same day, incidentally. Seeing the tell-tale grin caused me to lose it laughing immediately, which in turn tipped him off to the fact that I was on to him, and he began laughing too. Problem is, I was out of control. I could not stand up...partially for fear of wetting my pants, a very real possibility in the weeks following child birth, but also partially because I was so weak with laughter that I could only collapse face first on the bed. I laughed so hard I indeed had tears streaming down my face. That's where the trouble nearly began. I felt the subtle shift in emotion and knew I was about to hit the crying phase of the "laugh til I cry" sequence. It took all of my emotional fortitude to control myself, and I don't have much of that these days, but somehow I managed to stop the pendulum before it swung to the other side.

I thought I was doing pretty good as far as the baby blues are concerned. Actually, I really am. I am doing much better than I was the first two weeks, and I barely cry at all each day now, rather than every few minutes every day. But I guess my emotions are still a bit raw. I know how I am when I am this emotionally stressed, and for me, laughing does indeed turn into crying. I don't mean a tear brimming in my eye after a particularly hearty chuckle. I mean an out of control laugh attack that involves losing control of one or more bodily functions or muscles, that turns into a sobbing like you're at a funeral until you have the worst headache in history and your eyes are so puffy they are just small slits in your face surrounded by eyelids that look more like giant pink eyelids and you are about six or seven different shades of red...at which point there is nothing to be done but go to bed. You will wake up with what I would imagine a hangover would feel like, and looking like you participated in a violent boxing match and came out the loser. Today I was lucky. I avoided that catastrophic fate. Fortunately for me, that is only a danger when I laugh exceedingly hard, and for some reason, I rarely laugh really hard. I'm not sure why. Maybe I am suppressing all of my true emotions because I can't handle feeling the full extent of them. Or, maybe I just don't have that great of a sense of humor anymore. I used to laugh a lot. Hm. I've often wondered about that over the years. Why don't I laugh anymore? I certainly have mastered the art of crying.

Anyway, not sure why I wrote about this. It really was very funny at the time, and as I said, I did not slip into the full bawling-fest, so it was not as bad as it could have been. Today has been a decent day. I am sad though because Mike will be going back to work on Tuesday, and that is too close to now. I'm going to sign off now.

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