Friday, October 30, 2009

H1N1 Hype

It has been a crazy week as far as stress levels go. Cody has been a real handful attitude-wise, and Jamie is always a real handful because that's the stage he is at right now. For him, it is not usually an attitude issue, but a matter of being into everything all the time.

I have been struggling with depression and apparently it has come out in this blog somewhat. I apologize if my posts have been downers recently. One of the things that has been really bothering me is this whole H1N1 issue. Anyone else? I am not interested in arguing about whether to vaccinate or not, but I will share a few thoughts that I have been having about this entire situation.

Is it just me, or is the whole world completely terrified right now? Some people are scared because of reports predicting that this flu is going to be widespread and have dire effects on the health of those who contract it. Even death, which is probably why it is so scary. Others are afraid of the vaccine because they believe it is unsafe due to insufficient testing. Still others in a more extreme camp are afraid of the vaccine because they believe it was manufactured in order to deliberately murder a significant part of the population either as population control or as genocide. There seems to be a small part of the population who are completely unconcerned either way because they believe it is all hype and nothing will go wrong or be a big deal.

I am not writing this in order to express an opinion or an argument, but I will say that the genocide fear is unfounded because the vaccine is being administered to a very diverse group of people and not targeting specific ethnic groups. The population control fear is also (in my opinion) somewhat ridiculous because if the government wanted to do that they would not target children. It makes more sense that they would administer it to seniors because they would save money on pension funds on the baby boomers for one thing. (No offense, anyone! I'm just saying if that were their motive they would target a more expensive group of people! They might also administer it in prisons!)

So, back to my original purpose for this post. It seems like whether you are for the vaccine or against it, the main drive behind people's choices is fear. I know that is not the case for everyone, but it seems pretty wide spread. I have been very stressed out about whether or not to get vaccinated and also whether to have my kids done. I have found the fear overwhelming and quite frankly all the talk about government conspiracies and the evil of vaccines combined with the bombardment of stories of young people dying of the flu has got me feeling completely drained.

The worst part of this for me is that it has triggered a deep fear in me. The fear is not about the vaccine specifically, but about failing my children. I don't know whether all moms struggle with this or not, but almost daily I feel I am failing my children in some way. Maybe I am not disciplining enough, or properly, or maybe I don't feed them healthy enough foods. Maybe I should take them outside more, or read to Jamie and Micah more than I do. What if my many shortcomings are damaging my kids? With those thoughts pummeling me on a regular basis, how could I not be upset by the choice before me? If I vaccinate my kids and they react and have permanent damage or even worse, death, it will be my fault. If I do not vaccinate my kids and they get the H1N1 flu and die, again it will be my fault. In either scenario, I have failed my children in the worst way possible. All I want to do is protect my kids to the best of my ability, and it bothers me to no end that either choice seems riddled with fear and even paranoia, and either way I am risking their lives at some level. So, conspiracy or not, this whole H1N1 thing has been a terrible source of stress for me over the last couple of weeks, and I suspect it will continue that way for a while. I just wanted to vent that out a little. I guess my greatest fear is that I will fail my children.

Anyway, I have been writing this all day and it is time to relax and watch a movie with Mike. Goodnight.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Here we go again...

Yesterday was a rough day with the boys, particularly Cody. I don't want to get into details, but I'll just say that by four o'clock, all four of us were crying. In the morning, Jamie dumped about half of a box of Cheerios on the floor in the kitchen. I avoided them for a while, feeling sick about throwing them all out. Jamie kept coming in the living room, chewing on Cheerios with a grin. Then he'd say, "Bye!" and run to the kitchen again. Then I'd hear him say, "O-E-O's! YAY!!!" and chow down some more. I vacuumed them shortly thereafter. I don't think our kitchen floor is clean enough to eat off of these days.

Today so far, Jamie is driving me nuts. At breakfast, he dumped a whole bowl of Raisin Bran on the floor. Later, I found him on the bar stool, drinking Micah's vitamin D. Most of the bottle had been dumped on the counter. I felt a little like exploding. What is safe in this house?? How can I keep anything away from this kid? He has had multiple time outs in his crib for different disobediences, mostly for going in the baby swing, which he knows he is not allowed to do. The last time, I left him in his crib for a while because I had to deal with Micah, who has been spewing out mass amounts of clear, thick liquid all morning. When I went to release Jamie from his crib, he was naked from the waist down. I said to him, "You're naked!" and he said, "Why?" I think he stole my line.

Now, as I try to write a single post on here, Jamie just fell into the rabbit cage, one hand in the shavings beside Oreo, and one hand in the litter box. His legs were sticking up out of the cage and he was crying, saying "Owie!" repeatedly. I rescued him and washed his hands. Then, Cody took it upon himself to be the parent and started pushing and shoving his brother. I told him to stop, gave him a minute to respond and when he didn't, I told him he was having a time out. He of course, yelled, "NO!" so I had to grab his hand and physically propel him down the hallway toward his room. He scratched my hand with his nails. (The same thing he did yesterday, except yesterday he made me bleed. Seriously.) I got him to his room and told him he would have to stay there until lunch time. When I returned, Jamie was on the top of the back of the La-Z-boy and proceeded to fall over backwards when he saw me. He landed on the chair, thankfully. I was so mad. I am still mad. It is only 11:38 a.m. right now, but they are both eating lunch. When it is over, I will be putting them both to bed. I cannot do this all day every day. We seem to be in one of those bad patches right now.

On that note, I guess I will have to sign off for now. Hopefully this day will improve. I hate feeling mad at my kids. It feels so gross. I am trying to protect them and teach them, but I feel like I'm failing at every turn. I think I need a day off.

P.S. I forgot to mention that Mike was able to buy that snow suit yesterday. Phew! And my horse is not sold yet, so there is still hope.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

My Day of Shopping

Things have been a little crazy around here lately. Yesterday we went to the farm in the morning and the boys got some cousin time. I then left just after 12:30 p.m. to go to town to buy a used snow suit for Jamie. It was a Columbia jacket and ski pants and was in perfect condition. I was going to get it for $40 and the girl had paid $130 brand new. So, I drove all the way to town. It was okay though, because other than the snow suit I also wanted to pick up a couple of feather pillows that were on sale for only $6.99 each. Sounds like they are cheap and terrible quality, right? Well, I bought one a few months ago when I was nine months pregnant, and I love my pillow. So, I figured it would be great to have a few on hand. I also thought maybe I could get a decent shirt or two for myself, seeing my wardrobe is pretty much on par with that of a street person at the moment. I headed for the mall. The first thing I did was try on some clothes, but I had to do it ridiculously fast because Micah was with me and he was fussing. The change room was a flurry of shirts flying on and off with my hand popping the soother in Micah's mouth between each change. Discouraged, I realized that nothing looks good on me right now. I felt like a not-so-distant cousin of the Michelin Man. I managed to get a pair of black sweat pants that are actually flattering. Imagine that. I got another pair of lounge pants. Now I can alternate those with my three pajama bottoms and my ugly lounge pants and my yoga pants. I feel like a new woman.

Next, I headed for my feathered friends. To my dismay, I discovered that the store had run out and they would be restocking them on Wednesday. Wow. Two strikes. Okay, the clothes were only a partial strike, but still a strike seeing what I really needed was a shirt. I headed next to this girl's house to get the snow suit. I arrived at 2:27 p.m. and felt a little trepidation seeing she told me she would be home between 2:30 and 4:00 p.m. It was possible that she was not home yet. So, I parked the van across from her house and called her from my cell phone. A guy answered. I assumed he was her boyfriend. Funny I did not assume he was her husband. Maybe it was because he seemed completely clued out about her. It seemed he did not understand much of what I was saying to him. Frankly, I was having a little trouble following the conversation as well. In short, he told me she was not home yet. He was aware of the snow suit, but did not want to sell it to me without her there. He said she would be home in ten minutes. I was not about to sit there on the street waiting like a stalker because I don't even know what this girl looks like, so I told him I would be back before 4 p.m. to buy the snow suit. I left and went to my workplace. That turned out to be the only positive part of my trip. I did not see many people, but it was great to see the ones that I saw. I had a nice visit there and when Micah started to fuss, around 3 p.m., I left and headed back to the house, which I was beginning to dread. I called again a couple of blocks away and wouldn't you know it, she was not home yet. It was 3:20 p.m. I was upset. I asked for her cell number. I called it. She did not answer. I left a message. She did not call back. After some debating with myself, I decided that if I did not leave town immediately, I would have to find somewhere to feed Micah and I just didn't want to deal with it. So, I left town.

It was a discouraging day, and I was amazed that someone trying to sell something would be so rude about not showing up. She knew I was coming from 40 minutes away. I went for only that purpose. (I would not have made a special trip in just for a seven dollar pillow.) I do not know whether to try calling her again or not. It may seem silly, but I really want that snow suit. It is nice, and it is exactly what I was looking for for Jamie.

Today is not good so far because my older two boys are both in terrible moods. Cody has purple puffy bags under his eyes causing me to wonder whether he even slept last night. Jamie is already back in bed because he refused rather violently to have even one bite of his breakfast. All he wants is juice. We do not give our kids much juice, but today I said they could have orange juice. I poured Jamie's but he refused to eat. I told him if he did not eat he would not get juice. (This was after he already had a bit of juice.) My bribery did not seem to work. I might try him in his high chair again. I won't tell you what I am hearing in the background right now. Suffice it to say, I am going to have to sign off soon.

On a positive note, Micah has been sleeping through the night most of the week. I know it is only Monday, but I mean for the past week or so. Last night he did get up at about 4:40 a.m., but the night before he ate at 10:20 p.m. and did not get up after that until 8:18 a.m. No fussing of any kind in between. He has been that way for several days in a row. I hope this is it. Oh, and for the record, his cloth diapers are not leaking, even in these ten hour stretches! Yay!

Okay, really have to run. A few situations to deal with. Hopefully it won't be breakfast all day for Jamie. I'm off for now.

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Coming Apart at the Seams

I have something on my mind. The trouble is, I'm not sure whether to post it in here or not. I'm trying to think of a way of posting it without being too specific. My sister used to call me the Queen of Vaguity, because I had a gift for being so vague that I could discuss something with someone without them having a clue what I was talking about. Being vague has its advantages, but it is also a lot of work. So, here's my problem.

I'm feeling quite upset today. I feel a little like a zebra being devoured by two different lions. Maybe even a whole pride of lions. Mostly what I mean is, it feels like some of the lions are tearing me in one direction, and the others are pulling the opposite way. All in all, it makes for a very unpleasant sensation. It is difficult for a zebra to think or make a coherent choice when her limbs are being torn off one by one. I suppose the average zebra would be dead by the time their situation reached this point, but in this case, the zebra is just getting very angry. Even without her limbs she just might decide to hog tie all the lions with her tail, or head butt them when they are least expecting it. A zebra with no limbs is not terribly mobile, nor pleasant to look at, but at least then the lions might leave her alone. Perhaps she will just die out in the desert, or maybe she'll learn to roll and make it all the way to a watering hole. As long as she does not fall in, she might be okay. In the end, it looks as though the lions have seen her vulnerability and proven her to be completely useless. Once again she realizes that she is stuck between a herd of black horses and white horses, and she can't seem to belong in either herd. Where are the rest of the zebras?

Okay, I have to sign off for now. Sorry about my weird outburst. It was extremely controlled in the interest of common courtesy. I am clearly a plain-bellied sneetch. Bye for now.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Friday night and dateless, as usual.

It has been a busy week. I confess, I do not even remember yesterday. Did I go out? Did I stay home? I don't remember. The latter seems more likely. My day today was busy too. A play date that had us out of the house from 10:10 a.m. until 4:30 p.m. The boys had fun, but Jamie was a real grump by the time we got home. Cody was a little overtired too. We put them to bed early. They were tucked in and settled before 7 p.m., so that was good. It was necessary.

I'm glad it's Friday, but truthfully, I don't really know why. All I am doing is waiting around for hockey to end. I am really rather depressed about it. I kind of wish I were somewhere else, but alas, that is impossible. I don't think I better continue this post. I am too sad at the moment. Perhaps I'll attempt tomorrow. For the record, Micah slept through the night a second time on Wednesday night, but last night he was up at 4 a.m. That was the only time he was up, so it wouldn't have been bad if I had been able to sleep earlier. I was awake past 1 a.m. and Cody was up at that time too, so when I got up at 7:30 this morning I had the shakes. Now I just want to have a fun Friday night, but all it has consisted of so far is the NHL. I hate the NHL.

Like I said, I better end this here. I'll try to post something more uplifting this weekend. Goodnight.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Of Horses and Injured Crazy Kids

I'm still obsessing. Just doing a little preliminary research to see what it would cost me to have a horse here. I guess the worst part would be that we would have to put up a fence. I have no idea what that would cost. We'd have to fence off a fairly large area, but we have 80 acres to work with so space is not a problem. Shelter is not a problem either because we have so many trees here. We only have one open area other than our actual yard that would work, and we'd have to include some trees in the pasture as well. Ah! I really want to do this. I know I am dreaming, but I can't help it. Sounds like farrier expenses (hoof trimming, for anyone who does not know) would not be that bad at all, and vet bills shouldn't be either, unless something went wrong. Just regular shots and worming would not be that expensive at all. The main cost would be the fence, the tack (saddle and bridle...etc, again for anyone unfamiliar with horse lingo), and the horse itself. I should call and see if I can find out some more about her. Maybe I will. Hehehehe. Sorry Mike.

Mike is not on board with me here. He says we do not have the money. I think he is right. We don't really, but yet I cannot give up this dream so easily. Wow. I have wanted my own horse forever, and I have reached a point where I figured it truly would never happen again until heaven. (Yes, I do believe there will be horses there. Not in a new-agey sort of way. I really believe there are horses in heaven. I hope I am not wrong, but that is another subject entirely.) Anyway, I had given up, but now I am really considering that it might actually be possible. Why not? What is one really good reason why I cannot have a horse? Oh boy. I am really thinking about this way too much!

On a different note, Micah slept through the night last night. It was absolutely glorious! He ate at about 11:15 p.m. and did not wake up until just after 7 a.m. It was awesome. I just hope it will continue. I did not even feel grouchy getting up at 7 a.m. today because I had slept most of the night. (I actually did wake up at 1 a.m., but I did not stay awake because I did not have to feed Micah.) He is napping at the moment in his room, but I'm pretty sure that will not last very long. Everyone else is up. Dang. Hehe.

Today, Jamie did a front flip over my head when I was sitting on the floor trying to fold laundry. In fact, I have been folding the same batch of laundry (one basket worth) for the entire day. It is still not quite finished. Seriously. I was sitting in front of the chair and Jamie climbed on top of it and flipped over me, on purpose. He literally did a complete cartwheel in the air. Lucky for him, I grabbed his arm part way through and rescued him from certain disaster. Later, he and Cody decided to use their little brother as a weapon against each other. Micah was in his swing. Jamie was behind the swing and Cody was in front of it. They shoved him back and forth at each other and before I could intervene (other than hollering to stop it as I barreled towards them) Cody was crying from having received a swing right in the mouth. I can only roll my eyes. My baby is not safe anywhere. I cannot handle it.

Okay, that last paragraph was hours ago. After that, Cody injured himself while racing a fisher price train down the hallway in not-so-subtle protest at something I deprived him of. He somehow tripped and fell forward very fast and very hard and landed on his chest on the train. He screamed and wailed for a while and then sat on my lap. I felt that it was largely exaggerated in order to gain my sympathy. Jamie bawled in order to express his own genuine sympathy for his brother. They both ended up on my lap. Just before bath time, Cody screamed and started crying in that horrible way that leaves no doubt that there is a real injury. I ran to the living room and he was on the floor by our psycho rocking chair (no time for explanation here, but anyone reading this who knows me and has been here knows what chair I am referring to), and he had blood all over his mouth. He cried about his teeth and his lip. His lip was definitely bleeding but it didn't look bad. The tooth did not look bad and did not feel loose, so I hope it is not something that will show up damaged tomorrow. It took forever to calm him down. We found out that he had been jumping on the psycho chair, which is a very scary thing to do, trust me, and then he fell. So, when we stripped him down for his bath, he had a three inch long bright red scrape running diagonally down his chest. It honestly looked awful. I guessed that was what the train had done to him earlier. I then felt badly that I had brushed him off before. He is going to be sore tomorrow. Poor kid.

So, now it is getting close to bed time and I have been typing this post during the entire duration of the day. I must end it here. No further news about my horse. Goodnight.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Oh no. My dream horse?

Okay, so I'm a complete idiot to be up still, and even worse to be starting a post right now, but I can't help myself. Mike JUST got home or I probably would have been in bed by now. Actually, several things about my evening would have been different, but that's not why I'm posting in here.

Here's the thing...There's this website. I used to consider myself addicted to it, but I am not anymore. It is a local website and the part I was addicted to was the classifieds. Recently, I have been scanning them in two different categories. One, the baby and kids' stuff. Practical and logical, right? Well, then there's the other category. Horses. Yep, I have been looking for a horse. The question is, why? I don't believe I am in a position to buy one right now, but I decided I would start watching to see what was out there and what types of prices there were. Today, I found one. Okay, I have seen a few that I liked, but this one is different. I want her so badly. She is a Quarterhorse, and she is a buckskin, which I love. Plus she is a mare, obviously, and I am partial to mares. I guess I like a horse that can understand my mood swings. She is only five years old, and seems to have a good personality. Here's the clincher. She looks very much like my horse that I had from when I was ten til when I was 28, I believe. As far as I know, she is still out there, but we have recently lost track of her. This one does not have a blaze or a sock like Sunny did, but she is just beautiful, and suddenly I want her so badly. She is pricey though, in my opinion. The owner wants to sell her before the winter, so maybe her price is negotiable. Could I get a horse right now? I just don't know, honestly. The idea of being able to get on my horse and go for a ride by myself in the evening, even just for an hour, is so amazing. I miss riding so much, though I specifically miss Sunny. I would love to bond with a horse once again and have that special partnership. On the negative side, Radar would probably have a coronary if we brought a horse home, but we could probably work him through that. Could I keep her somewhere else for the winter and then get a fence ready for the spring? I just really want this horse. I am dreaming though. Odds are, this will pass and I will not get her. Part of me doubts I will ever have a horse again. It makes me sad. I hope I won't obsess over this for too long. I sure miss my Sunny.

I guess I just had to get that out of my system. Once in a while something comes up that I just HAVE to have. This is one of those things. More often than not I do not get the thing I want so badly and the feeling passes. Sometimes I do get it, and it is amazing, like my piano which I got last summer. Wow. That was really amazing. I can't even imagine getting my own horse after all these years. Sunny was my family's horse, so I have never had my very own horse, plus after I moved out of my parents' house, I did not get to ride Sunny that often, so I have not been able to ride much in the last several years. Man. I'm going to be thinking about this horse for a long time. I have to go now. Goodnight.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Final taste of summer.

We got a lot of snow last week. Frankly, it was rather depressing. I have no problem with snow, but before the middle of October? Usually it snows on or around Halloween. I know our September was unusually warm, but so much snow this early in October is ridiculous! The amazing thing is, today it is 20 degrees outside (celsius, of course) and absolutely beautiful! I am sitting on my bed right now with both my windows open and the breeze coming in is amazing. A final taste of summer before winter really charges in.

I have always loved the fall. It is my favorite season for several reasons. I love the smell of the decaying leaves and the crisp air. The sky seems to get deeper blue, and the bugs disappear, making the outdoors much more enjoyable in my opinion. The best part of fall is that the leaves turn the most amazing colors, and traditionally I always take my camera out for a walk around our property. We are on 80 acres here, and it is all trees, so it is incredibly beautiful in the fall. However, this year we got ripped off! I have never seen such an ugly autumn. I feel guilty saying that, but seriously, it is true. It was so warm in September that the leaves never had a chance to turn yellow, or any other vibrant color typical of the season. Instead, they were blind-sided with a huge dump of snow while they were still green. I guess that kind of ruined them because even though the snow all melted this weekend, the leaves are now a very dull greyish-brown, and not at all beautiful as they should be. I am completely uninspired to take any photos because it simply is not pretty. The scent of autumn is still rich in the air, and it feels wonderful outside, but there are no fantastic colors to admire this year. It is truly sad.

One bonus about the early snow is that it got me thinking about winter. I would like to start my Christmas shopping very soon, so I do not have to deal with the yucky winter roads later on.

Anyway, we are now in the middle of supper, and I am hiding in my room. Hm. What does that tell you? I can't handle the screaming anymore. It's Jamie. He is sick, and he is extremely grouchy as a result. He literally screams when he can't have what he wants. So, I'm back in my room and the breeze is now cool, the light dimmer. Time to sign off.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Why are things always lost?????

Okay, this is going to sound like a bit of a vent because I am very angry and frustrated right now. Let me back up a bit to yesterday at bath time. Cody was in the bathroom and Jamie was already in the tub. Mike came in to help Cody and Cody said, "My screw is loose." Okay, normally that would be a funny quote. I guess it still kind of is. The problem is, when Mike looked at him, Cody was touching his glasses and one of the lenses was gone. Yep. Gone. It was not there at all. A lens falling out is definitely a problem, but I figured we'd do a quick sweep of the place and then put it aside to be taken back to the store to be fixed. After all, these are yet ANOTHER brand new frame. There is no way the lens should have fallen out so soon, or ever, for that matter. The real problem started when we could not find the lens. Seeing neither Mike or I had seen it fall out, we had no idea where to look for it. Cody was on the toilet when we found out about the lens, so we began to be paranoid that it had fallen in there. This was not good news for so many reasons. Fishing around in the toilet for a lens is nobody's idea of a good time, but he had also just used the toilet, and there was more than just liquid in there, if you catch my meaning. I felt sick. We looked everywhere. In the bathtub, in the toilet (just a visual search so far, no hands on stuff), the kitchen, the living room, all of his toy bins, we even flipped the lazy boy upside down and searched every crevice of it with a flashlight. We found a toy car and two quarters, but no lens. Equally frustrating was the fact that Cody would not give us a straight answer about what happened. He told several different stories about the glasses, and each one took place in a different location. It became clear that he was simply guessing, which only made me more angry. How could he not know where he was when the lens fell out? We searched the bedrooms, but we focused in the living room near the lazy boy because we had several reasons to believe it had occurred in that vicinity. I was reminded of the time not too long ago when my eye drops disappeared and we found them inside a toilet paper package. Great. In other words, when something goes missing in our house, it could be anywhere, and the search is overwhelming for that reason. I eventually ripped the whole couch apart and found the missing lens. I should have looked there sooner, but because it had disappeared some time between him finishing his supper and running to the bathroom for the bath time routine, I assumed he would not have been on the couch in that time. Wrong again. Wow. I am not good at this.

Today's missing item is a library book. I am supposed to be driving to the library to return all our books as soon as I am done feeding Micah. He should be ready any minute because it has been four hours since he has eaten. I called the library and confirmed that indeed we are missing a book, and found the title of that book. At first I did not recognize the title so I ran outside to see whether it had never even made it out of the van. It was not in the van. (There WAS a dead mouse in the van today, incidentally. That brings the tally up to seven so far.)

When I returned inside I remembered what book we were talking about, and indeed it had been in the house. We had read it several times and it was something of a favorite of Cody's. We have not read it in about a week, or maybe more, so that does nothing to encourage me. So far we have looked through the whole living room including under the furniture and in every table drawer, behind the TV, under the piano, in every toy box; in their bedroom behind and under every bed, in their clothing drawers, in the closet, under the dresser; in our room, in our night tables, behind our night tables, under our bed, under our cedar chest, in our closet, in our bathroom closet; in Micah's room, in his closet, under his furniture,; in the laundry room, in the closet, in the bin of coloring supplies; in the kitchen, in the pantry, in the burn bin, under and behind the fridge and oven, in the drawers....etc. Need I go on?? I am so mad. Where else could it possibly be???

I have now fed Micah but I am not going to the library. At least not yet. My stomach is sick again so I don't really want to go anywhere. If I'm feeling better soon I might still go, but it has already been almost an hour since I fed Micah, so if I do go I will probably have to take him along because Mike is supposed to be doing homework and if he has a desperate baby on his hands he will be hard pressed to get anything done. So, I guess I officially give up on finding the book right now. I think the whole thing is very weird. How can a book completely disappear? I am so angry about this.

I have some things that must get done now, so I better sign off. I had something completely different in mind for my post today, but it turned out a vent was necessary. Hopefully I will have a positive update on the situation later. This is absolutely ridiculous.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Lonely, but not alone.

It is just after 11:00 at night and I am alone. Well, not really alone. Cody and Jamie are sleeping peacefully in their rooms and Micah is now sleeping in the cradle beside me. Funny how even in the presence of my kids I can feel alone. I suppose that is partly due to the fact that I am the only one in the house in a state of consciousness at the moment. I believe it is also because there is a certain loneliness in being the sole adult responsible for little lives. Would I be equally lonely if I were home alone and I were not a mother? I don't know. Possibly. As I listen to my precious baby breathe beside me I feel a measure of comfort. There is a warmth that fills my soul just knowing my children are safe and asleep, warm and fed in the comfort of their beds. I love them all dearly.

Today was a typical day. Micah did his baby thing, and fussed on and off throughout the day. When he was not fussing, he was perfectly content to hang out in his bouncy chair and observe his older brothers. Cody had a bit of an attitude in the morning, but nothing earth-shattering. I don't remember any specific incidents, so that means the day was not a disaster. Jamie...well, there's that. Okay, Jamie is hitting a very difficult stage. Without getting too detailed, let's just say that he is nearing two years old and he is getting to the point where changing his diaper is very gross. It seems like he should be potty trained, and yet I know he is still quite young for that, especially for a boy. I remember this stage with Cody, and it lasted about a year. Today, Jamie did something terribly gross, and it involved poop. I will not describe the incident, but suffice it to say that I left him in nothing but a diaper and...well, there was an incident. It could have been worse, but it was bad enough. When I found him, his diaper was not really on. Because it's a cloth diaper that does up with snaps, he was not able to fully remove it, but he did manage to pull it down far enough that he had the most severe case of plumber butt possible without being completely naked. Sigh. I don't like this stage. Other than the potty training issues, he is also into everything. Today I caught him trying to brush his hair with the scrub brush that I use for preliminary cleaning of the dishes. This brush is about the most bacteria-laden object in our house, second only to the toilet brush, in my estimation. We don't use it for washing dishes, for that reason, but I use it to scrub them before putting them in the dishwasher, if necessary. I was seriously grossed out by that.

As a rare treat, my sister Andrea came and spent the afternoon here with us. Jamie slept for the first while, and we played Wii. Cody monopolized it, as he tends to do, and because we played all afternoon he had a terribly stinky attitude by supper time. Poor guy. He wasn't really being rebellious exactly, but he was being demanding. I actually felt sorry for him because he was genuinely sad. Jamie was a monster throughout the meal, and I was glad to be able to leave the table to nurse Micah. Mike had to haul Jamie for time outs in his room about five times before Jamie would finally eat his supper. It was quite the battle, and I was incredibly grateful that Mike was willing and able to put forth the effort to win it. And win it he did! I'm pretty sure I would have given in today.

Anyway, the house is silent and I must run to the dryer and start it again. Is there no end to the laundry I must do?? Not that I mind laundry. I really don't, but it does make me feel slightly guilty to be using so much electricity. I wash diapers every single day, and I also usually do at least one load of other laundry as well. Tonight it's the boys' clothing that needs to go through the dryer a second time so that it's dry and ready in the morning. I have already stuffed diapers in preparation for the night, and I have everything I need in my room for Micah. Part of me dreads going to bed because I know I will be getting up in the middle of the night. I know, that makes no logical sense. I also have a stomach ache, so I doubt my ability to get a good sleep even if Micah is good to me. I hope it will be better than the last several weeks. Last night I quit talking in the middle of a sentence and I did not even notice. Mike started laughing and I had no idea why. He told me I had stopped at the word "and", and I had to ask him what I had been talking about. It was only a minute prior, but I had no recollection whatsoever. Wow. Things are going downhill in the brain department.

So, on that note, I guess it is time to turn in. I will run to the laundry room and get the dryer going, and then I shall hit the proverbial hay. Thank goodness our mattresses are NOT made out of hay! I love my mattress, and my 100% cotton sheets! Guess I'm off. Goodnight.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Another day at the circus

My day has not gotten off to a good start. For one thing, Micah was up twice again last night, and even at 8 a.m. he wanted to eat again and it had not been two hours since his last feeding. I guess we finally have a normal baby who does not sleep through the night at two months old. Maybe it's because he was our smallest. I don't know. All I know is I'm tired.

At 6:30 a.m., Cody entered our room as usual and took my ipod out to watch YouTube videos of Lightning McQueen. At 8 a.m. when it was time to feed Micah (or so he told me, anyway), Cody refused to return the ipod to me. I was more than a little annoyed. For one thing, I was already over tired and had kidney pain all night again, plus weird stomach issues. I guess I was in a fragile enough state that it only took a small incident to tip the balance and put me right into a bad mood. You might be wondering why I was so insistent on having my ipod. The answer is somewhat embarrassing, but it may clarify why I was so mad. I use it to keep track of when I feed Micah, and which side I feed him on. If I don't keep track, I forget within about three seconds of being done a feeding. I guess for some of you who don't have kids or who have never nursed a baby you may still wonder what the big deal is. I could just wing it, but if I use the same side multiple times in a row I'm going to look like I'm part Dolly Parton and part Calista Flockhart, if you understand my meaning.

Anyway, I was really angry that he would not give it to me. He also ended up going straight into brat mode. It was probably because of my mood. Maybe when the balance tipped for me, it also determined which way his balance would tip. He has lied to me a few times today, which upsets me. I guess maybe he is getting to that age. He is officially three and a half. Is that when children start to lie? It isn't about big things. Well, not always, anyway. He told me he had used the toilet this morning before I got up. I talked to Mike on the phone and he confirmed that was not the truth. There have been a couple of other small things too.

Did I do a post in here yesterday? Now I can't remember. I forgot to mention that the night before last night, I got really domestic. I attempted a sewing project. I'm not really very good at all things "wifely", but I have always liked sewing. However, I have not done it since junior high, so I am just slightly out of practice. My mom bought me a whole package of microfiber auto towels for really cheap and it was my intention to make inserts for my diapers out of them. There are twenty in the package, and they only cost about $16, so they are pretty cheap. I figured with that many, I had some room for experimentation and I could afford a few screw-ups. I did not really expect them though. You know how sometimes you get this brilliant idea in your head of something you are going to make, and the finished product looks absolutely amazing in your mind? That's how my project was. Yep. I was going to make the best inserts ever, which were going to eliminate any of my night time diaper troubles. So, I picked the inserts that I already have that I like the best and I used them to cut the towels in the same length and width. I started with one, but I had a whole package there on the table and I fully intended to make a few. This was on Monday evening, when I had come home early from the Thanksgiving festivities, and I had settled Jamie and Micah.

It is now mid afternoon and I am just sitting down again. I do not have the time or the energy to finish my story. Suffice it to say, the insert that I made took about three hours and I ended up having to sew it by hand because it was too darn thick for the sewing machine. It is very ugly, but I hope it will be functional. The real kicker is that I put it in his diaper that night right before bed and as I did up his sleeper I noticed his diaper felt really warm. Yep. He had already peed. So much for finding out whether it is a good overnight insert. I fully intended to use it last night, but it was not dry enough yet after the wash cycle. So, it has still not been tested overnight. I wanted to make a second one, but I have homework due tomorrow and I have to get working on it immediately. I will eventually report back on the success or failure of my home made insert...assuming I ever get to use it. I must sign off so I can do some homework while Jamie still sleeps. This has been a crazy day.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Thanksgiving Weekend

So, I survived my weekend. Saturday we made it to the big city on time to go to a kids' boutique and buy three more size small FuzziBunz diapers for Micah. Wow, they are soft!!! Then we had supper at my parents' place and the boys played for a while before they went to bed. I was hoping against hope that Micah would sleep through there, but no such luck. Actually, he only made it to 1:20 a.m. before waking up and needing something. I don't remember what he needed. Probably a diaper change. It doesn't matter though. If he wakes up in the middle of the night, I have to too, and even if it's just for a diaper change I always feed him so that he can get back to sleep easily. I'm not sure whether that's wise or not, but for now he is only two months old so I figure it's okay. My other boys were sleeping through the night already by this age, so I'm not used to this. Cody also got up in the middle of the night, as did Jamie. Wow. It was not a restful night for me, or for Mike either.

Sunday, my sister Christine and her husband Greg and their three boys showed up at lunch time, and the fun times continued. The boys were thrilled to have cousins to play with, and my parents had purchased a Thomas the Train set for them to play with. Three sets, actually. Cody was elated. There were no fights and everyone was very well behaved, which was wonderful. They also played in the basement, which gave us a bit of a break upstairs. Well, not me I guess because I still had to deal with Micah. Jamie napped all afternoon, which was great. My other sister, Andrea and her husband Steve came later in the afternoon and then my Grandma also came, so it was a full house. Well, to us it was. Mike's side of the family is unbelievably big, so they probably would have found it quite small. Haha. We had a typical Thanksgiving meal, and by around 6 p.m. Mike bathed the boys and put them in their pajamas while I fed Micah and packed our stuff. Then we left on the long drive home.

Cody fell asleep within the first half hour. Micah was a different story. We had to stop and change his diaper before we even left the city. Then we had to pull over on the highway later on for another change. Wow. It is awkward changing a baby in a vehicle. Even a minivan. If it hadn't been so darn cold, I would have stood outside the van and changed him on the seat with the door open, but it was way too cold for that. Jamie also did not cooperate and sleep. We ended up giving him the portable dvd player and letting him watch Thomas the train. We've never done that with him before, but he loved it. Mostly he rewound it to the beginning over and over again just to hear the theme song, which elicited a violent celebratory dance each time. He did not succumb to sleep until the last twenty minutes or so of the ride. We got home just before 10 p.m. and even though it had been four hours since Micah last ate, we did not have to pull over for that on our way home, so I was very thankful.

Yesterday was the Thanksgiving celebration on the other side of the family, so we headed over to Mike's parents' place for some food and good times. I was not feeling well, however, so I did not stay terribly long. I seem to be having kidney trouble again, and was in pain all night last night. Micah did not sleep well once again and Cody was up at 6:30 a.m., sneaking into our room to find an ipod touch to watch videos on. Seriously, that's what he does. And when it dies, he sneaks back in and plugs it into its charger. He is so tired today that I had to put him down for a nap about half an hour ago. Judging by the dead silence and the fact that he has not emerged from his room, I'd say he is definitely asleep. That is a very rare occurrence. Jamie was a wreck at the farm last night too, so he came home early with me and Micah. He was in bed by 6:20 p.m. and went to sleep immediately.

So, that's the weekend update. Today will be an exercise in survival for me, with my very tired boys. Tired and over stimulated, I guess. Micah is also napping, which leaves me with just Jamie for the moment. Some time in the last three months or so, Jamie and Cody have switched roles. Cody is now my easier child, and Jamie is driving me nuts. Don't get me wrong. He is adorable and completely irresistible, but he is a maniac and is into everything. Literally every few seconds I have to take something from him, pull him out of a cupboard, or remove him from something high up. He is extremely busy, and crazy too. Cody was the same way when he was younger.

Oh no. I hear Cody. Dang!!! Does that mean he did not sleep at all?? Maybe he did and he just woke up. Dang. Now I will definitely not get to eat lunch. I will not have time. Micah will wake up very soon and want to eat, so I just have enough time to get some food ready for these two and then I'll have to sit and feed Micah. I just wanted to do a post in here seeing it has been several days. I better get going and take care of business here!

Friday, October 9, 2009

Blustery Friday

I'm hiding in my room again and Micah is passed out on the bed beside me. He is so cute! He is wearing this really soft, fuzzy brown one-piece hooded outfit and it is so cozy! Anyway.

I was supposed to go to town today. I wanted to buy a couple more diapers for Micah because our stash is lacking for both boys, because Micah keeps dipping into Jamie's stash. We decided on what kind we want to get for Micah, which is Fuzzi Bunz perfect fit pocket diapers, size small. However, I was not about to drive into town with three little boys and no other adults. I am not crazy. Not that crazy anyway. So I thought I'd wait until Mike got home from work and then we'd all go together, or else I'd go alone. Completely kid and baby free. But, I have since chickened out. Not chickened, exactly, but I just don't feel like it anymore. The problem is, it is urgent. We are going to the big city tomorrow for Thanksgiving and we will be staying overnight. I don't want to do disposable diapers the whole time because it's just a waste of money, but we will not have enough cloth diapers to sustain both boys for two days, and I don't want to impose on my parents by doing our laundry there. They pay for their water, so it would cost them and I just don't feel right about it. That's why I wanted to get these extra diapers in town tonight, but it is freezing cold out and has been snowing on and off throughout the day, at times heavy. The truth is, I just don't want to brave the highway tonight, just in case. I'm sure it will be fine, but I have already decided to skip the trip. I am exhausted too, and last time I drove in for my ophthalmologist appointment I nearly fell asleep while driving on the highway because I was so tired. I don't want to do that today. So, it turns out there is a store very close to my parents' place that sells the diapers that I want and they are a dollar cheaper per diaper. I feel a bit guilty to not support a local business, but at the same time, their prices are higher than anywhere else I've seen. So that's the plan.

Oh, and to update last night's situation, Micah did NOT sleep through the night. He was up at 2:20 a.m. because he pooped. I was very disappointed. I fed him and he did go back to sleep until 7:15 a.m. which is not too bad, but I was still disappointed. It wasn't the greatest sleep.

Tonight, it is laundry, cleaning and packing time. I wanted to save the laundry for this evening so everything would be clean for our trip. I also want to have this house good and clean before we go away because there is nothing more discouraging than being gone overnight and returning to a house that looks like a dump. Okay, it actually does not look like a dump in here. I have been working all week to try to avoid that scenario, and even though it is not even close to spotless in here, it is certainly no dump either. But there is still quite a bit to do tonight. This is the kind of evening that I'd rather be home in the cozy house than out braving the wind and snow. That's pathetic because this is NOTHING compared to winter, but still. I feel like having a cup of hot chocolate and some popcorn or hot cookies or something and watching a fun movie. I suppose vacuuming and doing dishes can be therapeutic in its own way...but regardless, it has to be done.

And now, just before I sign off, I just want to give a little plug to a business I have been dealing with since April of this year. They are called Mom's Milk Boutique, and they are located in the United States. I have bought some of my diapers there, and I just want to say how fabulous they have been with customer service and reliability. Their website is www.momsmilkboutique.com and they have lots of good products. I have dealt with Bonnie and Abbie, and I am assuming they are the owners. Both of them were wonderful and very quick to respond to my emails every time. It is clear to me that they care about their customers and it is important to them to give good service.

Anyway, I really wanted to put that in there. I will probably mention them from time to time in here. I have to sign off now. I think it's supper time. I may not be back until Sunday or Monday. Hopefully I survive this weekend emotionally intact. I have been dreading it for some time now, but that's another story and one that will not be told in this blog. Hope everyone has a happy Thanksgiving!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Hopefully we're settled for the night...

I'm home alone with the boys, and they are all settled for the night...mostly. Micah is in his cradle, staring at me, sucking on his soother contentedly. He will very likely settle without a fuss in the next ten minutes, or even sooner. Last night he slept all night. I mean, I fed him at 11 p.m. and he did not eat again (or wake up) until 8 a.m. Wow. I was so thrilled. I am hoping for a repeat performance tonight, but I guess time will tell.

For now, I am feeling lonely and I am reminded of the time when Jamie was just about exactly this age and Mike went away for six days. Jamie slept in my bed with me, all sweet and adorable. Actually, he may have been younger than this...I can't remember for sure. I'd have to go back and check in my journal and my other blog. Anyway, this is the first time I have settled Micah for the night without Mike here. I know it is not a big deal, but I feel lonely. After I fed him, I was going to check his diaper and then swaddle him and put him down, but when I disturbed him to move him he got the biggest, saddest pout on his adorable face, and it made me cry. How pathetic is that? I couldn't help it though. It was like I had made him so terribly sad, and I couldn't bear the thought.

Hm. He is thrashing around a bit in his cradle. Not sure what that means. Hopefully it's his last few kicks before getting really comfortable and sleeping through the night. Maybe he shouldn't be swaddled anymore...he is ten and a half weeks old. I never swaddled either of my other two babies this long. Cody was impossible to swaddle because he was too darn active. Hm. Micah doesn't usually get so agitated in his cradle. Maybe I should check his diaper one last time...I don't know. Why do I still feel like I am always guessing on what to do with my kids. This is the third one in three years and still I don't know what I am doing.

Anyway, I think I'll sign off because I have some other things I want to do before I turn off the light. I really, really hope Micah is going to settle now, but it is not really looking all that promising at the moment. I will probably post tomorrow, and after that I will be away for a couple of days for thanksgiving. Ironically, I am dreading thanksgiving. I will not get into that in here. I will likely not have internet access where I am going, but I am not totally sure of that. So, on that note, goodnight.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Making it one day at a time!

Okay. Well, I just sat down to type this post and already Micah is stirring, so this will probably be very short. It has been a typical morning here today. The boys started off well and by about 11 a.m. there was screaming, bawling, biting, kicking...wow. I am exhausted! Poor Micah has been left to cry it out more than once today simply because I literally could not get to him because I was in the middle of helping Cody on the toilet, or changing Jamie's diaper, or trying to make sure that Cody did not maul his brother...etc. Micah is either going to feel neglected or develop the patience of a saint.

Yesterday we went to town at lunch time to pick up the new part for Cody's glasses. It was a new arm. I did not want to just send Mike to get it because I wanted them to adjust the glasses on Cody and make sure they were sitting straight, so I packed up all three boys and drove to town. Mike was working there yesterday, so we met him and he came downtown with us so I could go in the store with Cody and leave the boys in the van with Mike. I know it sounds like nothing, but I seriously doubt my ability to get all three of my boys safely from the van into the store and back again, even if I park right in front of it. There is too much traffic and I can only carry one boy at a time and hold one other hand, so, I am too chicken to do it alone. We went in, and they went in the back with his glasses to repair them. Meanwhile, Cody and I tried on frames. I discovered that I look pretty horrible in glasses. Even designer ones. This did not come as a shock to me. Cody, however, found several pairs that looked pretty cute on him. He really wants to get a red pair of glasses, but he is not ready for new frames yet. Maybe with the next prescription we will attempt a new frame. He will outgrow his one of these days, seeing he has had them since he was Jamie's age. No, younger! He was 20 months old exactly the day he got the glasses. Okay, the day after. He sure has grown since then!!!

Anyway, the woman came out with the glasses and informed me that while they were putting the new part on, it snapped in half. Wonderful. So, she put the temporary "loaner" arm back on and said she'd order a new one. She said she would make sure it was covered in the warranty because there was no way it should have broken like that. She called this morning to tell me that she went ahead and just ordered a whole new frame, and it is in today. So, Mike came home for lunch and took Cody's glasses with him to town (he is working there again today) and he will bring home the new frames this afternoon.

On my way home from town with the boys, we munched on McDonald's (yes I know, gross,) and Micah slept. About half way home there was a sudden and terrible metallic snapping sound which nearly made me jump out of my skin. I thought my cup holder had collapsed and my drink would be all over the floor. I leaned forward slightly to see what the issue was, and Mike's little plastic McDonald's gift card that he had left on the console had slid off onto the floor. Ah. That explains it. Oh, right. I should mention that it landed in a mouse trap, hence the terrible sound. Poor thing was caught in the trap, helpless to escape. I suppose it might make good bait if the mouse has a thing for the golden arches. Thank goodness it wasn't an actual mouse that set off the trap while I was driving. I probably would have hit the ditch.

Today, Jamie stole a box of lasagna noodles out of the pantry and dumped them on the floor in the living room. I did not even notice, though he was right in front of me, because I was reviewing a homework assignment that I just got back. When I did notice, I was dismayed. He had broken most of the noodles, and Cody, seeing my distress, decided to take it upon himself to discipline his brother. When his yelling did not accomplish anything, he took a noodle and slashed at Jamie's face with it. He got him on the forehead. I know it sounds tame, being attacked with a lasagna noodle, but these things were seriously sharp! Lucky for Jamie (and Cody) he did not get him badly on the forehead. He was sent to his room promptly and I picked up the rest of the weapons and got rid of them. I wondered exactly how I would explain in the emergency room if my child came in with a lasagna noodle protruding out of his body. I am warped that way. My imagination knows no bounds, which is sometimes not a good thing.

Anyway, Jamie is now napping...or he's in his crib anyway. Not sure whether he is actually sleeping yet or not. Micah is sleeping, but I'm not sure for how much longer, and Cody is playing nicely with his vehicles. I would love a nap, but it seems that is not on the agenda for today. I might just read for a while. So, that's the update on where things are at. Oh, and I am feeling a bit better. Still have a cold with a hint of a sore throat, but nothing too bad, and my back is still sore, but I'm not sure whether I believe that is a kidney issue or not. I guess time will tell. Or not. Who knows? For now, I am thankful that despite my fatigue I do have enough energy and strength to do what I need to do with the boys and the laundry too. Any extra cleaning will not likely happen today, but that's okay.

So, I am off for now. Hopefully things won't get too eventful this afternoon. If they do, I will post more later, or tomorrow!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Manic Monday

Here we are starting a brand new week. I'm not off to the greatest start here. In fact, I am sitting here waiting for the time to feed Micah so I can leave to see the ophthalmologist in town today. One of my eyes has flared up again and I was due to see the doc on Wednesday, but I called this morning and I am going this afternoon instead. The boys are at the farm, and I came home to get a few things done before I have to leave. Micah is sleeping in his car seat, so in 20 minutes I will wake him to eat. Hm. Sounds like he is waking already. At the farm this morning I nearly started crying after Micah spit up all over my sweatshirt, the only clean and decent shirt I have to wear today. So, I am going to the ophthalmologist with spit up on my shirt, but I guess there is nothing I can do about it. I wish Mike could have come with me so I would not have to be alone in the waiting room with Micah. I know it is not a big deal, it's just that this guy sometimes keeps me waiting as long as three hours in his waiting room. I don't want to feed Micah there. I feel too exposed. But if I'm there even two hours I will have to do so. He might cry the whole time we're there. He might puke all over the place repeatedly. I really don't look forward to this experience, but I have no choice. Left untreated, this condition in my eye could lead to blindness, and that is really not something I want to mess with.

Anyway, I am thankful to have baby sitting for the other two boys. I could not go with all of them. It would be a disaster. I guess I don't have much more to say at the moment. I am just stressed and still upset over some other things from last week. I would love to just have a nap now instead of all this other hassle.

Speaking of naps, though, Micah slept through the night last night, and I mean really through the night! He did not wake up until 6:45 a.m. which was awesome. I did not expect that because he had been having tummy issues all evening.

Anyway, my day is over now. My trip to the doc was good. I am okay. No more eye drops. No follow up appointments. Phew. So, I'm off for now.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

More gloom

It's a cold, rainy, gloomy Saturday morning. I am on my bed, Tabu kneading the bedspread beside me and Micah sleeping peacefully in the cradle on the other side of me. I just ate breakfast and now I am worried about how the rest of the day is going to go. Mike is doing a big golf thing this afternoon, so I will be alone with the boys until supper time. That's not too bad, except that I have a bad feeling about my health this morning. I mentioned that I am sick this week, and that has not changed. I have a bad cold and cough but that is not the worst of it. It seems I have a kidney stone. Sunday and Monday last week I had a lot of bad lower back pain as a result, but since then I have not. Now it is back and that scares me. If it doesn't get any worse than it is right now I will be okay today. But if it gets really bad like it was on Sunday, I will not be able to handle all three boys alone.

Anyway, I am busy here folding laundry and policing boys and Micah's head is completely soaked in spit-up so he now needs a bath...Looks like it's time for me to go.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Difficult Week

Wow. This has been a rough week for me. I have been quite ill since Sunday, with either a kidney infection or a kidney stone, or possibly both. I also have a bad cold that is turning into a cough, and I have been to town twice to see doctors. I don't even have the energy right now to describe my frustrating experience with a doctor today. My kids are all sick, and Mike too. Micah seems not too bad, but yesterday he either coughed up or spit up blood. Just once, but still, it concerned me. I had him checked today, and he seems to be fine.

So here it is, almost 11 p.m. and we just finished cleaning the kitchen. Mike and I, that is. He volunteered to help me get it cleaned up, and I was sad because I hate cleaning in the evenings. Evenings are the only time I ever get a break. However, we went ahead and got it done, and it was a blessing, as I knew it would be. Now that is one less thing I will be behind on tomorrow. So, this is a short post, but just letting everyone know I am still here despite a difficult week. I will attempt to post again tomorrow, if I am feeling up to it.