Saturday, November 7, 2009

A Sad Milestone

I am nearly ready for bed but wanted to check in here. My Mom has gone home and already my house looks messier. It was great to have her here. Cody was not nearly as difficult to deal with because he got more attention and he also spent a great deal of time outside. The weather has been beautiful, so that has been helpful. Jamie amazed my Mom with his crazy and non-stop antics. She just couldn't believe how fast and how frequently he got into trouble. Apparently she told my sister it is no wonder I have a hard time getting anything done. I guess that means I'm not just pathetic. It somehow helps to know that.

Tonight I am on my own, in a sense. Mike has homework and has been downstairs all evening working on it. Cody and Jamie are in bed sleeping, of course, and Micah is now settled for the night...hopefully. The catch is, he is in his own room. This may not seem like a big deal, but tonight is the first night we have moved him into his own room instead of having him in the cradle right beside my side of the bed. I should be rejoicing in this, but instead I am sad and fighting tears. I don't remember whether I felt this way with the other two or not. Not Cody, I know that. Jamie I can't remember. But this time it is really hard. I love watching him fall asleep. I hate the thought of him in a dark room all alone. And there is this part of me that feels like I have now experienced having a baby sleeping in my room for the very last time ever. If he is my last baby, we have just passed a milestone that means he won't be my baby much longer. I know, it probably sounds overly emotional and like I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I cannot help myself. I just love my little Micah so much and now I feel even more lonely somehow. I hope he will not be lonely too. He likes to gaze across at us as he falls asleep. Now he will not be able to. Will he notice that he has too much space in his crib? He is pretty wedged in to his cradle, so it may not feel very cozy being more spread out. I just feel like I'm going to miss him.

I think I am irrational. I am so overtired that I am crying over little things and I am continually dizzy. I really don't think I have ever felt so sad about moving my baby into his own room. It feels like the beginning of the end. Wow. I need to get out more. I need to sleep more. Maybe I need psychological help. I think I will go to bed now. Alone. Completely alone. How weird. All this time I at least had Micah with me...he is crying. Someone is crying. I have to go see what's wrong. Goodnight.

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