Saturday, May 29, 2010

Dump day.

It's dump day and I'm down in the dumps. It is pouring rain, and has been for hours and hours, along with some pretty good thunderstorms on and off. In a way, I got my wish, because Mike's golf tournament is obviously not going to happen today. So, I have been locked away in my room literally all morning, working on my homework. Here's the problem. Mike just left for the dump and because of the ridiculous amounts of rain falling, he did not take any boys with him. Somehow, Micah is sleeping right now despite the absolutely monumental tantrum that Cody is throwing. He is literally screaming and pounding on my door even as I type this, and I refuse to acknowledge him. I tried that already, and he was just picking fights, so I decided to shut myself away for fear I was going to hurt him. He is demanding Kraft Dinner, despite having turned down the offer to make it about half an hour ago, and he is yelling things such as, "Make it! NOW!" Pardon my language, but holy crap. This child is four years old. I know all kids have tantrums and meltdowns, but we are having a really bad month. What kills me is that as soon as Mike leaves the house, all hell breaks loose. Is there something wrong with me? Am I so pathetic that nobody cares to listen to me? The shrieking has begun again, and Jamie is downstairs doing who knows what. Now he is yelling, "Ruin the muffins! Smash the pans! Smash everything! Otherwise I am going to break your door!" Why is he so stinkin angry?! I honestly feel that I can't leave my room because if I do I'm going to freak out on him. I'm going to wait for Mike to get home because he is not already burning with anger like I am.

I feel bad even sharing this in here, because honestly, Cody is one of the greatest kids I know. He's smart and compassionate, and a real encourager, but when he gets mad, look out! For some reason, I seem to get him mad multiple times every day, and then we fight. When he gets mad, I get mad too, and then it seems we feed off each other's anger. Now I'm upset not only because of the way he is talking to me, and trying to break my door down (I seriously wonder if one day he will succeed), I am also upset because I can't do my homework now. How can I possibly focus on anything other than Cody? And that, of course, is his goal. He wants my universe to center around him, and I just can't do that all the time. My entire existence is kids right now. I wanted to take this course so I would not let my dreams of writing for a living die while I drowned in diapers, time outs and housework. How dare I? How dare I actually want to be a real, live person? Somehow, the legitimacy of my personality and my life were neutralized the moment I became a mother. What I mean by that is, I am now defined by forces outside of myself, instead of being allowed to be me. Do I even exist anymore? Do I matter, beyond the me that is Mom, and matters to the physical and emotional well-being of my children? I just don't know.

This is only a vent. I do not hate my kids. I do not hate being a mother. In fact, it is just the opposite. But I still get depressed when I feel that the real me is invisible. I don't like being some kind of vending machine. Tell the machine what you want, and if it doesn't produce, kick it, punch it, yell at it, or shake it off it's foundation in hopes that when it crashes down again it will magically drop the item you want into your outstretched hands. Then walk away from it, because it's only a machine.

Mike is home. I have to go. My muffins are probably nearly done anyway. Happy Saturday.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

There is nothing wrong with you or your son. You know that but I will just say that when ever my hubby leaves all hell does tend to break out because they like to try mom's buttons and if they succeed they get anything they want, but you stood your ground and that is usually what I do when my kids are throwing weird and ridiculous tantrums. My son zeke told me once taht he wanted do break my eyes so that I wouldn't see the bad things he did anymore. THen he thrw somthing at me. I got him to calm down eventually and he had to come to understnd what kind of things he was saying, and they just say horrid stuff sometimes, and really a lot of the time they know nothing of the reality of what they are really saying. It still makes me fume. You are doing great and handeling things really patiently, good on you! And it's usually the most softest sweetest kids of mine that throw the biggest fits. On the bright side, at least your kids feel safe enough to express themselves, and that means your doing a good job.