Wednesday, June 9, 2010

Weapons of Mass Destruction (Not for the faint of heart.)

Had there been a note, it would have read something like this:

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to locate and contain biological weapons that have been planted in numerous areas around your base. These weapons are deadly, and in addition to that they are difficult to detect due to the inconsistency of their form. Sometimes liquid, sometimes solid, sometimes varying shades of brown or yellow, and sometimes completely invisible. The only completely reliable means of identification is by smell. You may not use a canine in your mission. You must find a way to neutralize these weapons before they do irreparable damage. This message will self-destruct. 

The carrier of the weapon was a small fry, but he certainly knew what he was doing. Like any terrorist, he did his dirty work in the wee hours, before anyone was awake. Okay, the hour was not that wee, but he got up before anyone else did. Let’s call him, “Thing Number Two”. How about TNT for short? (Yes, that’s fitting. Why have I not thought of that before???) So, TNT developed a bad case of the runs, and this morning…well, it escaped his diaper. The result? He walked through almost every room in the house and left footprints behind. Yes, I know that’s gross. I live here. My whole house smelled like an outhouse.

I was alerted to my mission by Thing Number One, TNO. (Emphasis on the NO part.) He loudly announced the situation, advising that puddles of the radioactive substance were spread throughout the hall and living room, and he also wrongly accused Radar of the crime. In this Agency, we are a team, and when the evil deed was discovered, I was fortunate enough to be needed by Thing Number Three. (Notice I have two TNTs. I’ll call him tnt, because he’s the small version.) Seeing there were two agents available, and tnt needed me, I opted for the tiny mission instead of the one that threatened national security. I didn’t want to take all the glory for myself, you see. So, Agent Double-Oh-No handed tnt to me and I took him to my room to feed him.

Meanwhile, Agent Double-Oh-No arrested the perpetrator and showered him. In a cruel twist,  Agent Double-Oh-No had another mission and had to vacate the premises, so the mission fell on my shoulders. I wondered whether I truly had the necessary training to successfully complete my mission, but I had no choice. I had to try.

Step one was to deposit tnt into a containment unit, also known as an exersaucer. I steeled myself not to be discouraged by the enormity of my task. I saw signs of the weapons, but more than that, I could smell them. Indeed, the entire premises smelled very much like a frequently used outhouse. What to do first? I had to feed the perp and the witness before I could get to the business of containment. I got the feeding underway and began the grunt work of my mission. I had to clear mass amounts of debris from the floor first, carefully inspecting each item first visually, and then with my schnauze. With each inspection I prayed I would not find what I was looking for, and sniffing for. Sometimes my prayers were answered. Sometimes they were not. I spent two hours clearing sector one, also known as the living room. I hauled a pail of hot water and dish soap in and spot cleaned each mark, sprinkling Arm & Hammer pet deodorizer over the spots when I was done. In this way, I could avoid stepping on them until they dried, at which time I would vacuum the powder along with (hopefully) the odor.

I had to repeat the process several times for each sector, as the damage was widespread. At one point I did have to move tnt from his containment unit into a holding cell, due to incessant complaints and squawks. The entire decontamination process took the entire day, and there were three subsequent bombs dropped during the process. There were three loads of laundry, and a significant amount of Lysol that was used to coat the bathtub. What went down in there is top-secret, and I cannot even share it in this report.
All-in-all, my mission was a success, but we are on high alert because tnt has been caught multiple times today trying to drop bombs, but has thus far been painfully unsuccessful. Oh well. There’s always tomorrow.

This is Agent Double-Oh-Double-Oh-No, signing off.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I am soooo glad that I am here at this computer today!!! Thought I was not going to be able to read your blog till Monday. But here I am and oh so grateful. Your talent to write is unspeakably AWESOME!!! I laughed so hard and I just can't wait to tell my husband this one. You have entertained me, hummoured me exstatically, and got me in a good mood for the rest of the day. What a fun and exciting take on crap, it will never be the same to me!
I love you girl!