Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Plummeting husbands and plummeting moods...

I don't remember the last time I was in such a terrible mood. I'm so angry and irrational. I am alone here for the day with the boys. Not just the day...the evening too, and possibly into the first part of the night...I'm not sure. I'm extremely impatient and upset, and just feeling down about this day in general.

Before Mike was even gone, I broke my toe. That was a good start to the day. Micah was up at 1:30 a.m. and by 2 a.m. I had not even fallen asleep at all yet for the night, so I am overtired, which is adding to my grouchiness. It's fortunate that it's my little toe that is the problem, but even still it hurts to wear shoes, so I don't much want to go outside, but I will need to later to feed the horses for the evening. Well, Sasha, that is. Maybelline does not need any extra food.

I just put the TV on to distract the boys and hopefully do something to improve my mood. I even feel slightly nauseated...possibly from being overtired combined with not having eaten lunch yet, and I'm guessing my incredibly cranky mood is making me feel even more sick. Micah is sleeping for the moment, but I dread the moment he wakes up because it means I'll have yet another needy boy that won't give me space. Today I need space.

My day could be worse, of course, and I'm hoping it won't get worse. Mike is jumping out of a plane today, after all. Hm. Yes, that's where he went. Skydiving. Oddly, I'm not sure that it's the concept of him skydiving that has me so upset right now. I think it's more the overwhelming sense of being left out. I'm not part of the group. That's how it feels. I know, I know. It's not rational, but he did not even invite me to go watch. Not that I could have. I'm sure it would have been very hard on these boys to drag them all the way there and then keep them in the van while we watch their father tumble from 11,000 feet up in the sky. I don't know. There is a part of me that wishes I were the one jumping out of the plane. I don't think I'd have the nerve to do it, but I wish I could. Maybe I just feel like everyone around me is living life, having adventures, and I am here, being a mom. Nothing wrong with being a mom, I know that. But right now it feels like that's all I am.

I know. I should stop wallowing and move on with my day. I honestly think I'm off my rocker today. I don't know why I'm so upset about all this. It's that whole abandonment thing, I think. Feeling left behind all the time. I just don't feel up to this today.

Don't worry, I'll be fine. So far today all that's gone wrong is me breaking my toe, Cody accidentally dropping a snake in the house, (okay, I threw that in for effect. He did catch it right away, after all.), Cody losing the same snake outside and being utterly devastated until I could come out and miraculously find it and catch it for him once again, Jamie smearing diaper cream all over his brand new Lightning McQueen bedspread...and that doesn't even list the fights the boys have had. I guess all in all it is a typical day here at home. Cheerios all over the floor, spending an hour trying to load the dishwasher because of multiple interruptions, getting poop smeared on the wall during a bad diaper change...Sigh.

Okay, I'll stop now. If I have to cheat a little and use the TV to help me out today, I will be doing so. I might try to update later. This is a negative post, but it's just a bad mood, nothing more. I better sign off before it gets worse!


Songinthenight said...

Sorry to hear about your toe!!! Is the same one from 1992? I broke my toe 2 years ago & still have a little ache once in awhile. It took several weeks to heal so I really feel for you. I was so upset when it happened too as it really was difficult to walk & I had just started a brand new job which required walking...
I pray God will heal you. I know how you feel about mundane life. I can relate very much...obviously in a different way, though. Someday you will be rewarded for your sacrifices!!! I pray in the meantime that God will bring you some excitement (hopefully not the boys getting into trouble kind!!!)...something special, just for you. I'm sure when you can get on your dear horse, you will feel better. The freedom, the feeling of wind in your face. It will be so great!!!

Anonymous said...

Girl, I was in a wonky mood yesterday too, and I know that feeling of plummeting. Your adventures are lying very near in the distance. When you start to write books, and everyone wants to buy them, there will be no bounds to your adventers. Sometimes when Nate is at the gym and I wasn't able to go that night I too feel left out. And like you said, it is a feeling that comes and goes.

I have more to say but I will e mail that to you later.


CAT said...

Kim, hahahahaha, Yes, it IS the same toe! How hilarious! And my reaction was very similar too, though I didn't laugh hysterically or try to be quiet about the pain. I did double over, holding my foot and writhing in pain. Haha. Unfortunately, this is going to make it harder to ride...Hopefully it will heal quickly. It's a pretty purple color now. Hehe.

You are right about the freedom of riding. It will take me a while to get to that place because Sasha is so young and will need some ring work before I can take her out on the trail. That will be the challenge for me because our ring is pretty small for that kind of thing and I'm impatient to be on our way, at least into the yard. We'll see how she does. Even though I can't ride her much right now, we are still bonding, and she comes right to me now when I go in the ring just as Maybelline goes straight to Mike. It's pretty neat, actually. You'll have to come and meet them soon!

Songinthenight said...

I'm hoping to make a trip out in August if all goes well. Not sure how to time it with all of you girls but we'll see. I'd love to meet your horses!

CAT said...

That sounds great, Kim. Keep me posted and we'll work something out!