Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Indignities.

One of the things I least enjoy about being pregnant is the doctor visits. I have a great doctor, it's just that it's annoying having to drive all the way to town and back (40 minutes each way from here) and wait in the waiting room only to do the same little routine that takes all of 5 minutes every time. I get it. Sometimes something can change and medical attention can be required. I understand why they want us to go so often. But it still drives me crazy. I am now on a bi-weekly schedule, which means I'm going every two weeks. Next week I have my appointment and after that it becomes a weekly occurrence.

I learned in my first pregnancy that the things they do at each appointment are as follows: 1 - They weigh you. (Well, every girl loves getting weighed, right? Especially when the nurses feel free to give opinions on how much you've gained or not gained. I have learned to tell them up front that I don't want to know, just so they don't have to announce it in front of everyone else in the room.) 2 - They take your blood pressure. (For me, this is never an issue as mine is always on the low end of normal, so quite ideal. At least I'm doing something right.) 3 - They test your urine. These three things are done by the nurses, before you see the doctor. The doctor looks at the chart and then listens to the baby's heartbeat with a doppler. That's all he does, in my case, other than ask me how I'm feeling.

Let me stop there for a minute. Don't you just love it when you go to the doctor and they give you a little jar and send you to the bathroom to pee? Sure, everybody loves urine samples. Especially us women, who have a tougher time aiming for the tiny jar. My clinic does things a little differently for pregnant women. They give you a test tube with a very tight fitting lid and they send you home with it. Then, before each appointment, you have to pee in it first thing in the morning and bring it in with you. I always wonder what constitutes the first urine of the morning. Is it the one at 2 a.m.? No, that's more like the middle of the night. What about the 3:30 a.m. one? Hm. Maybe still too early. Okay, 5:15 a.m. It summer. it's getting light out by then. That must be the first urine of the morning. But I'm not getting up yet. Maybe we'll wait for 6:45? Whatever the case, I have to make sure I remember, and that is no easy feat after a night of sleep deprivation. Besides that, when you wake up in a state of emergency and have to charge to the bathroom so as not to lose it right on the spot, carefully collecting a sample is the last thing on your mind. (When I say "charge" to the bathroom, I'm talking about something comparable to the desperate sprint of a 100 year old tortoise. It's that fast, and that painful.)

I learned in my first pregnancy that the nurses at my clinic are very strict about the urine sample. If you show up without one, you are regarded with much contempt, and you are lectured and made to feel like the worst pregnant woman ever. That's why my current situation is so undesirable. You see, at my last appointment, I was given a new test tube, as usual. I store it inside a zip-lock sandwich bag in the cell phone pocket of my purse. My problem? It has been stolen. That's right, it's gone. Missing. I cleaned my purse this morning, so there is no doubt. One of the boys took it, and Micah is my main and most logical suspect, seeing I have caught him after it many times before. But I can't find it anywhere. Now I am faced with the dilemma of how to handle this precarious situation. Do I go to town and go into my clinic and ask for another test tube so that I am prepared for my next appointment? Or do I show up with no sample and risk the ire of the nurses? I don't want to have to give a sample there, but that's likely what they would make me do. But that's silly. I mean, I'm going to be back exactly a week later. Couldn't they just test it then? Probably not.

And so I am fretting over this lost tube. I have nothing in this house that I would consider comparable to use as a carrying container to replace the tube. I will not use one of my Tupperware containers. No. Never. I think the nurses are just going to have to deal with this irresponsible mother accordingly. I wonder what the penalty is for showing up with no pee. I will find out next week.

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