Thursday, August 23, 2012

CSI Manitoba

Being a desperate house-mom is a multi-dimensional experience. It may sound like a simple job, but don't be fooled. Sure, we have our stereotypical duties. Clean the house. Make the meals. Take care of the kids. Keep track of all things school-related. Those are simple tasks. Not easy, but simple to understand. What they don't tell you is that this position requires police training. That's right, the proficient house-mom has extensive skills in negotiation techniques. But I have discovered that negotiation skills are not enough. Interrogation techniques must be acquired and mastered and one must become a full-fledged detective. Apparently I am no Nancy Drew. I currently have multiple investigations open. The top priority right now is the case of the missing van keys. Several false confessions have been obtained by an innocent looking three year old. Looks can be deceiving. We have followed all leads and so far have met with nothing but dead ends. The interrogations continue, but no new evidence has been uncovered and this is fast becoming a cold case.

We have a new division here in our investigations. Perhaps I will begin posting these cases as they happen, in case the general public is able to assist me in any way with their resolution. Don't get all excited. This is not crime stoppers. I will not pay anyone for the information leading to the resolution of a case. I will, however, pay handsomely for my van keys. So here are photos of our outstanding CSI cases.

This first one happened several months ago and may be the most disturbing crime scene I have come across yet. We have a suspect but no leads so far and as such, no arrest has been made. The  following is the scene I discovered in my kitchen on March 9, 2012. This is not for the faint of heart. Here it is.

We are not yet sure of the perpetrator's intention in this gruesome act. Was he sending a message? Was he craving a snack? Or did he just feel like slaying a potato that day? One thing is for sure. We have ruled out an accident. This crime was definitely deliberate. Ironically, though the kitchen is covered in fingerprints, we have not been able to prove who the culprit is, so this spud remains unavenged, and probably will remain so for all eternity unless the sicko turns himself in. 

You see? My sleuthing skills are no good. I have a case from March that is as yet unresolved, not to mention the terrible case of the missing keys, which is only four days old, but way too old for a case of its nature. And now I have a new crime scene from this morning. Once again, this one was committed by someone who is psychologically...uh, not average. According to my training in profiling, this one could easily have been committed by the same perpetrator as the terminated tuber. Again, the motive behind this crime is a mystery. Was it another message? Was it done as a work of art? Or was this one the result of sheer boredom? All good questions with no answers. Though not as disturbing as the previous pictures, these are certainly odd. Here is a look at the scene I found in my boys' bedroom this morning. 

Sort of reminds me of Sid, the evil neighbour kid in Toy Story. I don't know whether to be concerned that one of them takes pleasure in torturing inanimate objects, or to buy him a wind chime for his next birthday. Either way, I need to hone my policing skills. I may not be able to change the world, but maybe I could at least make this house a safer place, at least for the non-living items among us. 

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